Trauma

I googled the word “trauma” to get a clear definition and understanding of it. It is a shocking experience that can significantly impact your mental, emotional and physical well-being for the worse. I just saw a mouse in the house. My bones shook and I couldn’t even get near it after being trusted to get rid of it. I was terrified of mice at age 9, and I still am at 29.

In my research, I learned that what constitutes trauma is different for everyone. Last year, there was a night where I heard people arguing at a party. My immediate thought was that someone might lose their life. I’ve been traumatized from seeing people threatened with knives and guns during an argument. So I immediately thought the worst was going to happen. Thankfully I was safe as well as the people in conflict.

Traumatized. I’m afraid to get anything wrong. As a child and beyond, I’ve been mocked for not understanding social cues or certain things being said. To this day, I feel like I have to get it right all the time. I walk on eggshells being scared to death of failure. I’m chasing perfection which doesn’t exist.

Trauma. If a family member or friend trusts me to do something, I feel the pressure. I feel like I’ve let others down many times. Whether it was while playing basketball or trying to change the course of someone’s life, I’ve let people down. Even if I don’t feel the pressure initially, being told I fell short makes it hard to sleep at night.