What Is It?

What is it? I don't allow myself to just live or just be. I let anxiety run me. Having a deep fear of rejection and scrutiny, I tense up daily in human interaction. The other day I struggled during a group discussion as I was hyper aware of myself. I didn’t want to sound less than intellectual, so I held my tongue at times. Yesterday I had a Writer’s event where we also had a group discussion. I was a bit anxious to start, but I felt better than the first event. I even spoke with more confidence. So there is hope. But how do I remove these barriers to begin with? Can I conquer my fear of perceived failure?

Where do we start? I wake up early, kiss my wife, get ready and then head to the track for a workout. My friend usually meets me there, so the company helps. We talk and work out. I also release endorphins and get physically in shape. And then I get back to anxiety, fearing I’m going to get something wrong. My subconscious says it can’t just be a good day. Fear is my default and my activities distract me from it. It sounds crazy if you ask me. Maybe that’s why I try to keep busy.

Today I had Muay Thai training. During our workouts and sparring sessions, I noticed something about myself. I was battling the fear that I have to be less than perfect. While jump roping, I was afraid to miss a jump, but I kept pushing myself to let that fear go. As we started sparring, the fear of failure slowly drifted. As it drifted, my moves became sharper and swifter. I was more confident and didn’t mind so much if I missed something. The coaches praised me. Further along the training, my fear would oscillate at times. This just shows me there’s still work to be done. Fear only promotes boundaries. And as a human, you are prone to slip up at times. You can fall 9 times. Just get up 10.