Heart of Stone
Everyday is a healing process. I’ve been battling trauma and wrestling demons. A few nightmares have occurred over the past several weeks. I’m learning to keep going though. Oftentimes I’ll be lackadaisical while feeling strong emotions. I’ll allow myself to just sink, as opposed to having a healthy balance of emotional regulation and still functioning appropriately. The healing is of things that happened to me. But it’s also of things I did to myself. When I pray to God, I ask Him to change my heart, as I’ve built a heart of stone.
A heart of stone makes it hard for me to cry when I’m in pain. A heart of stone makes me angry at my loved ones, even when forgiveness is long overdue. A heart of stone is self-sabotage. I’m constantly in my head, making up things about the future. Then I end up in a state of panic for things that haven’t occurred. A heart of stone keeps me pessimistic and rejecting of love. The thought of someone appreciating me had been foreign. I was taught that I had little value. So when people have embraced me, I’ve either taken it for granted, overlooked it, or rejected it.
I used to be a shy child and a scared little boy. My heart was pure and only wanted love. Today I still want love, but sometimes it seems too good to be true. When your neighborhood, family, and friends reject you, it’s not unlikely to absorb it and then do the same to others. When I think back to different points in my life, many people tried to embrace me. But I often pushed them away. I had my guard up because I didn’t trust them. I had been hurt so much I just wanted to protect myself. A couple of times I had different friends try to hug me, and I didn’t let them. Deep down I wanted this. But I would present myself with an aura that said I didn’t want to be touched. Many times I felt alone, but it was often me keeping people at an arm’s length. I thought if I showed love, I would get rejected. Therefore, I’d project and keep people away. With a heart of stone, you play a big part in your own suffering.
Today I try to receive love. I remember last year I was out with some friends and opened up my heart. I gave them a hug. They hugged me back. It was a great experience as I got to be free and truly express myself. And it was reciprocated. Opening up and being open to receiving is good for my self-esteem and my mental health. It allows me to experience joy fully. Life is too short to have a heart of stone.
