I’m Still Here

I'm still here. Me, the anxious, heart-palpitating, scared little boy from 2008. I may be a 20-hour flight away, but my inside is still damaged from my hometown. Just last night I had a dream I was being chased by two guys that I had altercations with in the past. I was running away on escalators. But somehow they were able to get me cornered. Then I woke up.

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. This is not only true for when you're driving, it is also true regarding your past. I am years removed from any type of problem with anyone that involved physicality. But the nightmares still occur. All I wanted was peace as a child, which I didn't have. But the ghosts from the past threaten to disturb my peace today.

I still get angry about past fights where I wasn't considered the winner. Sometimes I want revenge. I'm taking a Muay Thai class now and it makes me wish somebody from the past would test me. But I also understand the toxicity of this mindset. Life doesn't turn out well for those who look for trouble. The duality of wanting peace but occasionally wanting revenge is mental torture.

I'm a 20-hour flight away from my hometown. But I haven't forgiven the damages that had occurred. Just the other day I was on Instagram and saw the profile suggestion of someone I fought with as a kid. I'm still not over the black eye and cracked teeth I received from him. This battle is internal.