Cycles

It's crazy how your environment can influence who you become. I watched two movies the other day - Kidulthood and Adulthood. Both of these show the struggles that youth face in disenfranchised communities. Seeing trauma from a young age, these kids perpetuated the cycle and traumatized others. It reminded me so much of my own environment growing up.

Being tough is the norm where I'm from. But after watching these movies, I learned that no one was really tough. I, myself, wore a mask everyday when I'd step outside. It was a mask to cover shame. A mask to cover weakness. A mask to cover who I really was. I pretended to be scary. That way I wouldn't get exposed.

All of us were acting. This is life in the neighborhood. We're pressured to be tough. And having blood on our hands is just a byproduct of being respected.

I can sleep at night knowing there's no blood on my hands. But I've seen crazy stuff. People I love have been threatened with death right in front of me. I've witnessed this several times. One pull of the trigger and I would have been even more traumatized.

It's a vicious cycle. In these areas we live in toxic homes that lack guidance. Our families are addicts or they're not present. This leaves us to play in the streets and risk it all. We cope with our issues by sex, violence and drugs. We abuse others and these victims turn others into victims. It's like a song on repeat. Everyone is looking for love and acceptance in the most toxic and horrific ways.

From time to time I look over my shoulder. I wonder if a man has decided my fate. Would I pay the price of an angry teen or adult? Who knows? But growing up where I did enables these thoughts.