Danger

I’ve been watching a lot of thriller, horror and suspense movies lately. Even at work yesterday, I had to fit in such a movie. These movies contain the common theme of danger. I’ve stayed away from these genres for some time now, but lately I’ve been confronting my past. So watching thriller movies has been a piece of the puzzle.

Since the age of 5, I’ve been functioning very high while having high anxiety. From seeing guns drawn out in front of me, to living in a house where my family members couldn’t stand each other, fear became a constant in my life. The other night I went out for a walk and I kept looking over my shoulder.

Not only has my past kept me living in fear, I realized just recently that this fear has spread to fearing conflict overall. For years I had personal issues with a close friend before addressing them. With some of my loved ones, I fear arguments occurring at all. Perhaps being yelled at by elders in my family made me fear any type of possible friction. I was just a kid looking for guidance and they let me down. I had to just accept their verbal abuse. This has made conflict tough for me to handle. The minute I notice it, my heart rate goes up. Danger doesn’t even need to be a concern. But I often act like danger is present. Elders in my family made me feel unsafe, simply because they’d talk at me and not to me. All it did was add fuel to the raging fire of anxiety inside me. It made me think everyone was dangerous.

The DANGER warning street signs seem like a picnic with the way I’ve seen the world. Being mentally and physically on guard most of the time is exhausting. Confronting these issues has certainly been a trip. Thankfully, therapy has been my guide. Alongside this, I’ve been having conversations with friends and writing. These have allowed me to process my grievances.